Devastation

It's with a heavy heart that I come to my blog tonight.  Today's tragedy in Connecticut is burned into my brain forever.  Columbine was tragic.  Virginia Tech was tragic.  None of those people deserved what they faced that day.  However, this feels like a catastrophic event that we will never recover from. 27 people killed in the beginning of their school day.  18 of them innocent kindergartners.  18 dead 5 and 6 year old children.  18 children who probably woke up giddy about Christmas and Santa Claus and what presents they were going to get for christmas in 11 days.  18 children who were probably excited about weekend plans with their families and instead were terrorized by some maniac as soon as they got to their classroom to start the day.  18 families that are missing their precious babies, who now have a huge hole that nothing will ever fill.  And 8 other families grieving for their lost loved ones.  I cannot imagine the pain they feel.  I know the pain that I feel over this and I have never met any of these people.  It's devastating, gut wrenching, heartache.  I had to resist the urge to go yank my own daughter out of school today when I heard the news.  I know rationally that she was safe, but there was that small part of me just wanted her to never leave my side ever again.  We spend all of our time as parents protecting our kids from harms way.  What is the world coming to when sending them to school is giving them a death sentence?  When some psycho comes and kills his own mother and her classroom of youngsters?  It's incomprehensible.  Details are starting to come out about the murderer who cowardly took his own life after he was done destroying the world for the day.  He's apparently autistic.  You know what?  I don't care.  He lived 20 years without doing something like this.  I don't care how "sick" he is, how it's "not his fault" because he couldn't help himself.  The fact is that there's a special place in hell for him and I hope he's getting what he deserves.  Thats all I want to say about that, I don't want to give him anymore recognition then he's gotten today.  I want to focus on the children, and the families.  My heart grieves for them.  Today I cry for all of them.  Today I hug my daughter a little longer and am a little more patient, because I'm one of the lucky ones who still has the opportunity to do so.  Today I'm not taking her for granted.  I urge you to do the same.

new beginnings

"Just when we think we’ve figured things out, the universe throws us a curve ball. So we have to improvise, we find happiness in unexpected places, we find our way back to the things that matter the most. The universe is funny that way, sometimes it just has a way of making sure we wind up exactly where we belong."


With 2012 coming rapidly to an end, I've been sitting here contemplating what the year was like.  As always, it had it's ups and downs.  I'd like to think it had more ups.  Definitely could have been worse.  I watched my baby do well in school, I turned 30 without having a mental breakdown, had some wonderful time with wonderful friends, went to my first NFL game, got offered a promotion at work, and lots of other nice things.

That got me thinking about what I want for 2013.  Not a resolution, because I never follow through with those, just something I want for myself.  I feel like I just had some kind of major epiphany.  I spend the majority of my free time bending over backwards for people.  I have this overwhelming need to be helpful at all times for some reason.  And THAT, my friends, is what I DON'T want for 2013.  I want the new year to be MY year.  I want to do things that make myself happy without worrying about upsetting someone else.  I want to give myself the chance to fall in love instead of closing myself off and not giving myself a chance.  I want to be healthy and happy with myself.  I want to try new things and step outside of my "norm".  I say this kind of stuff every year, but this year feels different.  My mind feels very clear about what I want and deserve right now.  I know what I want, and I won't settle for less.  2013 will be my year, I can feel it.